Funny Steven Wright quotes

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

So, do you live around here often?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What a nice night for an evening.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.