Funny Steven Wright quotes

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.