Funny Steven Wright quotes

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

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