Funny Russell Howard quotes

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

I've never said flange to a monkey!

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card – "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music...

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

Silly things make you laugh and if they do, f*ck it. I was on a train and we went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove. I was laughing already, but my friend topped it by going, “I’ll bet that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.”

North Korea are testing nuclear weapons. Why? Don’t worry Korea! Nobody wants to get you. That’s like Ann Widdecombe buying a rape alarm.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

The first time you see a vagina you’re like, “It’s brilliant.” But it’s actually terrifying. It looks exactly like Rio Ferdinand’s smile.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.