Funny Russell Brand quotes

Why in our lifetimes was there a programme called Dogs with Jobs? They used to put it on at 11.30am! I resented a programme called Dogs with Jobs being put on when they knew unemployed people would be watching.

How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?

If you're in a room with Britney Spears, you just want to say, "What did you shave your head for, love?"

To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.

When you bump into your own mom at an orgy, it's hard not to get her to read into certain things.

Surfing is both an ideological and semantic sin against nature.

You know, the relationships we 'ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? It's all a bit pappy and rubbish.

So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!

You'd think, if you was me, you would think this and I am me, so I'm in a perfect position to offer conclusive evidence on that... innit like when you go away on holiday, you think 'oh yeah, I'd better go away on holiday, cheer myself up, get away from it all" but when you go on holiday, you're there, so it's shit!

One minute, he's just a teenage lad in Alaska having joyful unprotected sex, the next minute: 'Get to the Republican Convention!' I think that is the best safe sex message of all time: 'Use a condom, or become Republican!'

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