Funny Rodney Dangerfield quotes

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough"

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.