Funny Rodney Dangerfield quotes

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.