Funny Rodney Dangerfield quotes

I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches--one for each time zone!

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

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