Funny Rodney Dangerfield quotes

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I have three kids, one of each.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.