Funny Robin Williams quotes

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.

God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

I like my wine like my women -- ready to pass out.

Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

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