Funny Ricky Gervais quotes

Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away.

Where there's a will - there's a relative!

Why by a book when you can join a library.

Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!

She said, 'I'm your biggest fan,' and I said, 'Who are you?' She said, 'Paris Hilton.'

No one grows up saying 'I hope I work in an office one day?' And that fascinated me. People from 16 to 65 are just thrown together and that is a tantalizing mix,

People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.

I'm from a little place called England ... We used to run the world before you.

I suppose I grew up wishing I was an American Jew for the comedy and the one-liners. ... actress who does a Holocaust movie because, as she explains, it's a surefire way to finally win an Oscar.

1st of December, World Aids Day….I don’t think it’ll ever take off like Christmas.

My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela……incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990, he’s been out about 18 years now……and he hasn’t reoffended.

Apparently, I don’t know if this is true but I hope it is, I’ve heard it from a few reports, when we went up to get our awards apparently Clint Eastwood turned to someone that he was with and went, Who the fuck are they?

Ebony and Ivory. No more racism now. That one’s done.

You’re an idiot. What you think an African family wakes up and there’s a little goat with a ribbon tied round it? And they go, ‘Oh look what Santa brought us!

They have bits sliced off and tied up and sucked out. I want to say to them, ‘You lazy f—ing fat pig. Just go for a run and stop eating burgers. You might fucking die’.