Funny quotes about work

What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

Big time, ... I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes — when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and they can't remember my name.

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.

I do pauses, pauses work for me

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

I'm quite a compulsive person—I only worked this out recently—I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and DAMN! People ask, "What could be bigger than DAMN!" The new level's called "OH HELL NO!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "DAAAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, [Deep groaning noise] [Pretends to be a shocked passenger and starts pushing the "close door" button.] "OH HELL NO!" [Groan] "NO!!" [Groan]"NO!!" [Pretends to kick the fat man out] That's the difference.

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.