Funny quotes about women

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

You have to have funny faces and words, you can`t just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that`s why it`s hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.

I have two daughters. I live next door to my brother, who has three daughters, so almost every day, I have to drive them to school. And last year, while I was driving them to school, we ran out of gas in the carpool lane because my wife does not realize it's actually legal for women to purchase gasoline, so... But we run out of gas and people are honking the horn and having to back up and go around and the kids are mortified. So the next morning, when I took them, I made sure that tank was as full as it could possibly be, and I pull up to the front of the school, and they have these assistant teachers that help open the door. And I'm not even trying to be funny. I roll down the passenger window and yell out, "I've got gas this morning!"

[during a bit about dogs] That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I… don’t.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Venus Williams has brought something different to the women’s game – male genitalia.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling… the rest I spend foolishly.