Funny quotes about wife
Robert Schimmel quotesI was making love one night with my wife and she said: "You're in me." I know where I am, shut the fuck up.
So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.
One of my friends goes: "So, you know what really turns me on; when girls talk dirty in bed." Yeah I tried that with my wife. I said: "Hey, talk dirty to me." She said: "Go fuck yourself". Not that dirty.
When it comes to my wife and blowjobs, my dick’s in the Witness Protection Program. “Dick? I don’t know nobody named Dick.”
Frankie Boyle quotesLet me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
Michael McIntyre quotes“My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with…she read hers out and there were no surprises…1 George Clooney…2 Brad Pitt etc…I thought ‘Ive got the better deal here’…1 Your sister”
Greg Giraldo quotesLook at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.
Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
Charles 'Chic' Murray quotesAfter I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
Mark Watson quotesSomeone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.
Steve Harvey quotesT-bone you can't talk to Ced like that, just cause your life is messed up. It ain't his fault your third wife left you for your second wife.
Andy Rooney quotesMy wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
