Funny quotes about wife
Ted Alexandro quotesI have a lot of friends who are getting married. I try to avoid talking to them about their sex lives now 'cause it's so depressing. One guy told me it had been six months since he had gotten to second base with his wife. Yeah, I don't know which one was more pathetic: that he used the phrase 'second base' or that he hadn't been there in six months?
I'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.
Denis Leary quotesMost people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.
Jeff Foxworthy quotesMy wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!
I have two daughters. I live next door to my brother, who has three daughters, so almost every day, I have to drive them to school. And last year, while I was driving them to school, we ran out of gas in the carpool lane because my wife does not realize it's actually legal for women to purchase gasoline, so... But we run out of gas and people are honking the horn and having to back up and go around and the kids are mortified. So the next morning, when I took them, I made sure that tank was as full as it could possibly be, and I pull up to the front of the school, and they have these assistant teachers that help open the door. And I'm not even trying to be funny. I roll down the passenger window and yell out, "I've got gas this morning!"
If your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.
Bill Engvall quotesMy wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced] I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"
I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, I go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! Were you on the ground? I said "Nope, Santa was making one last run.. "
Rodney Carrington quotesIf your wife says to you, "We need to talk," horse sh!t. Start a fire in your house, it's easier to deal with. Cause when your wife says to you, "We need to talk" it does not mean we need to talk, it means you need to sit there and listen while I tell you all the ways you've been fuc*in' up! That's what that means. You ain't never gonna hear a man say, "We need to talk,"...Unless...He caught a disease while he was out fishing...
They always say before you get married, take a good look at your wife's mother, because that's what she's going to look like and act like. And if that's the case, [singing] I'm fuuuuuuucked! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la I'm fucked.
Aw, hell. My wife and I made a porno, good God, somehow it's wound up on the internet... Cuz I put it there! You're welcome!
Bernard Manning quotesMan says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.’
