Funny quotes about wife

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- I'm still winning.