Funny quotes about wife

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

What’s up with all these guys killing their wives now? Like, every couple of weeks in the news, you see that sh*t — guys killing their wives. I don’t understand it. First of all, why would you kill another person, and second of all, don’t they think the whole thing through? Like, how the whole thing’s gonna play out? Like, ‘I’m gonna kill my wife, then I’m gonna get caught, then I’m gonna go to jail, then I’m gonna get f**ked in the ass.’

At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.

It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

So you gotta look at OJ's situation. He's paying $25,000 a month in alimony, got a another man driving around in his car and fucking his wife in a house he's still paying the mortgage on. Now I'm not saying he should have killed her... but I understand.

My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit: "To the window! To the wall! [crowd sings along] 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!"

You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE FUCKING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW FUCKIN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?"

My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!

“My wife, shes carrying our first child…he’s 8, the lazy little fucker!”

On performing in front of comic legend Ken Dodd: It was like trying to make love to your wife in front of a porn star – ‘I’m doing my best here! I know you can probably do it better but don’t look at me like that!’.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

I have a car stereo that will leave messages. It’s got a manual two inches thick. The manual that came with my wife is smaller.

My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.

I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese.