Funny quotes about wife
Dara O Briain quotesMy iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen, frustrated, and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite.
Adam Ferrara quotesI don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.
I don't think it's fair -- you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. 'Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.'
Richard Pryor quotesSomeone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I'd died. I've been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife - I've had a few so it's hard to pinpoint which one - but who knows for sure?
Woody Allen quotesBasically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Emo Phillips quotesI discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Jim Gaffigan quotesThis city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife...there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."
Brian Regan quotesI have this friend who got divorced. I went golfing with him recently. It's the first time I'd seem him since the divorce. So when I got home, my wife's like, "How's Gary?" "I don't know" "I thought you went golfing with Gary today" "I did" "And you don't know how he's doing?" "It never came up." "Is he dating anyone?" "I don't know." "Were you two in the same golf cart?" "Yeah." "You're kidding me! You were in the same golf cart for four hours and you don't if he's dating anyone?" "I know he's got a new driver" "How is that possible that wouldn't come up?" "How is that possible it WOULD come up?" "The hundred and fifty marker's there, probably about a hundred and thirty-five. ARE YOU DATING ANYONE?"
Dave Chappelle quotesWhite people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. It's a secret. You ask a white guy who's he votin' for, like, "Hey, Bob, who you gonna vote for?" "Dave! Dave! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy. So I was fuckin' my wife in her ass, right? And let me tell you, it was something else." "Yeah, yeah, but who are you gonna vote for?" "Dave! Dave, come on with the voting! I'm trying to tell you about fucking my wife in the ass, and you're asking me all these personal questions."
Bill Cosby quotesI guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
