Funny quotes about time
Dave Attell quotesThis one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.
Sometimes whiskey dick is a good thing, like last night fucking the left eye of a pumpkin sounded like a good idea....thank you whiskey dick thank you!
And everything's over when your grandma walks in, get that dick outta the fish tank! Time for supper!
Bill Bailey quotesAldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.
Demetri Martin quotesEmployee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops, you're saying: "Hope I don't get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers."
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, "Futon World." Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. "You're a dick! You deserved this! Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."
