Funny quotes about time
Dane Cook quotesThere's certain ways when people they bit it and they show it on the news, you laugh. Like who gets killed by Bees? every time they come on the news, "Ahhhh a man was in Austin, killed by Bees". I just fucking laugh! How do you get killed by Bees? If your walking through the woods right... And you come to a bush and you hear Bzzzzzzzzz just you know run away from that bush! Who's going near that bush going "Hey! Is that Bees? ...Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Dude fuck that I would punch every Bee in the face! Bees are not taking me out! Yeah fuck you Bee! It's a fucking Bee! I could understand if it was like killer Horses! That's scary shit! Flying through the air kicking you in the face! That's scary, fuck Bees!
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
Frank Carson quotesA man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
Amy Poehler quotesI had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks. I have spent a lifetime coming to terms with this idea and I would say I am about 15 to 20 percent there….Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier.
I don’t think a man who is fifteen years younger than me should tell me he is proud of me unless he is my sober coach or my time-travel dad.
Brad Stine quotesPeople don't realize, or maybe they've forgotten, that there was a time in history when standup comedy wasn't something that you had to hide your kids' ears from.
Anthony Jeselnik quotesMy mom’s been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed — if she’s ever going to be good at golf.
Norm Macdonald quotesI went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.
Damon Wayans quotesWhen I want to see the people I grew up with, most of the time I just go to the morgue.
Wanda Sykes quotesI have nephews. They love spending time with us. T they love it because we let them do whatever they want to do - they're not our kids, we don't care. 'Only thing I have to do is keep you alive, that's it.' They come visit us, man - 'Oh what? Oh, no dinner? Alright, fine, hey - ice cream all day, how about that? I don't have to cook a damn thing. Just scoop it out. There you go. Eat up. I don't pay your dental bills.'
Christopher Titus quotesThomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"
Roseanne Barr quotesWomen complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
Artie Lange quotesWhen I was a kid, I was into The New York Jets. And then I got into girls as I got older, and then I got back into the Jets because I'd realized there's times when the girl won't f*^k you, but the Jets will always f*^k you.
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
