Funny quotes about time

Every time I come back to New York, I feel like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner: 'I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.' I have been to the upper peninsula of Michigan. That is remote in the extreme. It's like Lord of the Flies up there, with significantly more beards.

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, “YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET, DO YOU?! YOU HAVEN'T SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET! MY HEAD'S STILL ON MY TORSO!! I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!!”

That's when you know you're pretty f---ed up, when it makes sense to fall asleep... I was driving between Needles and Barstow... It's about 120 miles of desert... It's four in the morning, man... Hey, this is a pretty good time to go to sleep ... (SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY) So I totaled this f---in' car out, man!... I f---in' totaled it! And it made SENSE at the time!

God lets you be successful because he trusts you that you will do the right thing with it. Now, does he get disappointed often? All the time, because people get there and they forget how they got it.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

I was always shit at mathematics, I was never ever good. And I don't care. I don't give a shit. Algebra was a mystery to me. "Connolly 1A plus 1B?" He he. You're taking the piss right sir? You can't count letters you can only count numbers silly. Unless of course I was absent. The day we did the B times table. One B's B, two B's are a couple of B's. Three B's are a couple of B's plus the one we spoke about in the first place. Four B's two couple of B's what's the fucking problem there? So, I'm don't on record at school saying why should I learn Algebra? I've no intention of ever going there. The whole thing was a mystery to me. I mean is there anything more useless or less useful than Algebra? I have never used Algebra since the day I left school. No one's ever asked me. I've never seen anybody using it. I've never heard of anybody who once used it. And I would hate anybody who tried to use it. Can you imagine, you're going along the street. A tourist comes up, "Excuse me. I wonder if you could direct me to the old windmill?" Certainly, let X equal the windmill. "Ohh fuck it, I'll ask somebody else. Let's do a simple equation, why don't you shut the fuck up!".