Funny quotes about time
I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.
Richard said, "The next time the motherfucker call, tell him I said, "Suck *my* dick." I don't give a fuck. Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit. Do the people laugh when you say what you say?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, tell Bill I said have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. Jello pudding-eating motherfucker."
I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.
I can play recorder to grade level seven. Do you realize how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
I would define my looks as a Victorian Childcatcher. Or an S&M Willy Wonka who likes to use a riding crop on his own leg in his spare time.
Why in our lifetimes was there a programme called Dogs with Jobs? They used to put it on at 11.30am! I resented a programme called Dogs with Jobs being put on when they knew unemployed people would be watching.
One minute, he's just a teenage lad in Alaska having joyful unprotected sex, the next minute: 'Get to the Republican Convention!' I think that is the best safe sex message of all time: 'Use a condom, or become Republican!'
Sometimes you're talkin' and a little bit of spit flies out. You see it floating in the sky and land on 'em. You both see it happen and you go "Ooooh" you're thinkin' "Woops I got him!" He's thinking "Woops he got me!" But no one says anything. Because it's a secret. If his spit lands on me I don't do anything, I don't wipe it straight away, because I don't wanna embarass them. Hey, I've got his spit on my face and I'm worried about his feelings. You go "Sorry Carl" and I go "Nah, nah it's alright, I love being spat on."
So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that?
They always ask you dumb questions. 'Do you wanna be fat?' 'Oh yes, yes, I do. I wanna sweat for no reason.' Every time I breathe, they like, 'Why you breathing so hard?' 'So I can live.'
I was goin' to clown if I won that money. I had some phone calls to make. One phone I had to make was to that ugly-ass heifer that turned me down in high school. 'Hello, is this Aisha? You don't remember me, bitch, but I just won $250,000. Remember that time I asked you to go to dinner and you told me you was allergic to fat people? Well, bitch, how you feel now? 'Cuz I'm allergic to bitches. Click!'
Next time there's a riot somewhere in the world, don't fire tear gas at people like they're animals, just release Mike Tyson from the back of a truck so he can walk amongst the crowd and watch people jump back and part like the Red Sea going, 'Holy s**t! This has gotten out of hand...'