Funny quotes about time
Chelsea Handler quotesMy negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.
Robert Schimmel quotesI sit down with my daughter and I said, "Do you know how babies get here?" And she said, "Well, the lady has an egg inside of her, and the man has sperm inside of him, and the sperm meets the egg, and that's how the lady gets pregnant." And I said, "Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?" She said, "Does the man pee on the woman?" I said, "Sometimes, but that's $35 extra."
Noel Fielding quotesLast time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples...it was a trick pie!
Aries Spears quotesI like to go to the frat house and drink with my white friends, because anytime you go drinking at the frat house, white boys bring you a drink and hand it to you like it's a top CIA secret. They'll hand me my drink, and I'll go, 'Man, what the hell is in this?' 'Dude, don't worry. Don't ask, just drink it. I'll see you in 20 minutes.' Next thing you know, I'm buck naked, standing on a coffee table, with a cowboy hat.
I know when the anthrax thing hit -- white people, y'all was very nervous. Y'all would come up to me at work and warn me, like 'Oh my God, Aries, be careful. Don't open your mail.' Let me tell you something -- black folks was never worried about anthrax because, half the time, we don't open our mail no way. We might think that's a bill. We might hold it to the light and go, 'That's a red slip.' If you want to get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z CD. That's how you get us.
You knew at some point that he was supposed to win. He had all the right ingredients that came together at the right time. He's tall, good looking, articulate, highly intelligent, smooth under pressure, charismatic and, most importantly, he was the right shade. He made white people feel comfortable. 'Cause you all know if that n***er was Bernie Mac black or 'Precious' purple, he wouldn't have won. He's like coffee with cream; it goes down easy. You ever have coffee black? It's too strong.
Dat Phan quotesVietnam, we take over by doing pedicure! That's how we take over. We take over one foot at a time, damn it -- that's the plan of attack right there. We take over from the toe up, that's the plan. We spread over U.S.A. like fungus from the toe.
I'm gonna come home with, like, five fake earrings on and be like, 'Mom, today I joined five gangs.' 'Huh! You also five times gay! Get out of house, fruit loop.'
My poor mom, she's like, 'That's my son, Dat Phan. He crack joke all the time. I tell him go to law school, become a lawyer. But no, he move up to Hollywood -- he live out of his car; he eat Top Ramen with all the gay guys.'
Frankie Boyle quotesThere's going to be a Royal wedding! Ironically I don't get a day off for the wedding as I work part time as an Al-Qaeda sniper. If William's marriage is half as happy as his mum and dad's then Kate might as well cut her own brake cables now. William's dad of course had an affair with Camilla and his mum slept with Englishmen, Americans, and an Egyptian before finally being fucked by that Frenchman. Charles broke Diana's heart... Ten years before a steering column mashed what was left of it. Let's not forget that night. We all know where we were when Diana died. I for one was weaving around Paris in a white Fiat. You know we haven't had a royal assassination in ten years. Let's get rid of her, let's replace her with Martine McCutcheon, and so at last I can wank to the twenty pound note again. If the British Royal Family keep marrying outside the aristocracy, it won't be long before they'll hardly have any German blood left in them.
Scottish people aren't all that friendly are they I once saw an English guy in Glasgow trying to order a pint of lager and lime and the barman went: We don't do cocktails. They've got a good thing at Scottish football games where you're not allowed to bring food to the ground and they actually search you, when you're going in, to make sure you've not got food on you. It's nice to see we've got our fucking priorities right isn't it? What's this sir? A knife. I hope you weren't planning on making sandwiches. Now we've got a Scottish guy who's the number one British tennis player. I've not checked my Nostradamus but isn't that one of the harbingers of the apocalypse? The only time I've previously seen a Scottish guy playing tennis, it was someone playing charades attempting to mime the word homosexual.
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
