Funny quotes about time
Lee Evans quotesMy phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!
I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.
Milton Jones quotesSometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
"My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times."
"As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye."
Fred Allen quotesA telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
Tim Allen quotesWomen are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Louie Anderson quotesI have a cousin Ernie who buys stuff. He's got a big snowblower that's actually the biggest snowblower you can buy, with a remote control, so he doesn't even have to go outside. He's got the microwave and a satellite dish, it's all in one. He cooks and watches at the same time.
George Burns quotesEverything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
