Funny quotes about television

I was on CNN in Atlanta at one o'clock in the afternoon because apparently everybody else was asleep, and they asked me what I thought of CNN and I said, "I liked CNN until you started that writing on the bottom." I don't know why it's there. Why do you put writing on a television set? We watch TV... BECAUSE WE DON'T WANNA READ! We want somebody to read the shit to us so we can close our eyes and touch our nuts!

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, "Wow, it's not me!"

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

That is the international baseline of all humour. Farts. You can be as sophisticated as you like, but you have to admit farts are funny. You go, No, we don't actually agree. I saw a hilarious satirical cartoon in the New Statesman at the weekend, satirising EU farming policies. It was hilarious. Was it as funny as a fart? No, it wasn't. I saw Ian Hislop on television at the weekend satirising the government with his voice going up at the start of a sentence and then down at the end. It was hilarious. Was it? Was it as funny as some gas that smells of shit coming out of an arse? No, it wasn't And nothing Ian Hislop ever says or does or secretly imagines, will be as funny as that.

My old lip color could barely keep up with my busy schedule. In the time it takes to notice the wide discrepancy between my salary and that of my male peers, I'd have to reapply! In the seconds to count the number of women in high political office, seated on corporate executive boards and featured in film and television over the age of 40, my lip color would be as invisible as this glass ceiling only inches above my head! L'Oreal. Because I am worth it. And because holding myself to an impossible standard of beauty keeps me from starting a riot!

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, ... Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes? They're fuckin' tools! You might be the first guy who could to do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!

I can say that. I have a television show.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.