Funny quotes about talking
Dylan Moran quotesYou're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler...
What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.
Jim Carrey quotes
Robin Williams quotesWe were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!
Brian Regan quotesI was watchin' the news the other day, and I heard them talking about a criminal named Brian Regan same spelling and everything. He's gonna be in jail for the rest of his life. So I'm sitting there doing a crossword puzzle and all of a sudden I hear, "It is unknown whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution." "Guess I can put this down. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?!"
David Cross quotesAll my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced.
Steve Martin quotesDon't have sex, men. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
Aziz Ansari quotesAfter you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it'll flop. And that's when I really take a hard look at myself and say: 'Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it's talking about.'
I heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. And in one of those bragging sessions, I heard him just tell somebody, 'Hey, hey -- why don't you try making four beats a day for two summers?' What a dangerously specific challenge that is.
I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f**ked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape sh*t with it.
Dave Attell quotesI watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I discovered–I need a girlfriend. ‘Cause that Discovery Channel is the most boring shit I’ve ever seen in my life, and the more of it you watch, the less chance you ever have of meeting a woman, cause it fills your head full of odd facts that come out at any moment like Tourette’s Syndrome. I’m talking to a girl: “hi, how ya doin’. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? Much like the sea otter. Where are you going? Come back!”
I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
Bill Bailey quotes
