Funny quotes about single
Eddie Izzard quotesHorseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."
Robin Williams quotesAnd some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
Stewart Lee quotesAll the proper bands from then, when we were kids, yeah? The Rubettes and Mud and Chicory Tip. Yeah. Not like the bands they have now, stupid, modern bands all made out of wire and electricity. The proper old bands. You'd buy the singles, wouldn't you? The old singles they used to have in the old days. The proper ones. Very nostalgic feelings towards Woolworths. The pick 'n' mix. Remember the pick 'n' mix in Woolworths? All the sweets individually wrapped. Proper, old-fashioned sweets, yeah? Not like the sweets they have now, all with knives in them and AIDS
Emo Phillips quotesI go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Jim Gaffigan quotesWhenever you are single, all you see are couples, but whenever you are a couple, all you see are hookers.
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"
Chris Rock quotesAlcohol! Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Some of you all won't even make it home tonight 'cause of alcohol. You'll be like, "Oh, that Chris Rock sure is funny, oh! Shit!" But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Cigarettes! Cigarette's the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Cigarette's so dangerous it kills motherfuckers that don't smoke. That's how dangerous cigarettes are. That's right, first hand smoke, second hand smoke. People talking out of their necks into a fucking machine like, "Hey, what's up, man, I love cigarettes, this shit is cool." But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled niggas from Mississippi? Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get sixty years just for a pack of Newports. But it's all right, 'cause it's all white.
Milton Jones quotesIncredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
George Burns quotesIf you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
Gilbert Gottfried quotesI've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.
Ted Alexandro quotesI'm still enjoying the single life. Went down to Mardi Gras a couple years ago, that was fun. I went with a buddy of mine. There were some girls up in a balcony. A chant goes up: 'Show your tits.' I joined the chant because I support the cause. The girls show 'em, we threw up some beads -- I figured that's the end of the transaction. Turns out they reciprocate with a chant of their own: 'We want c**k.' What do you do? Turns out, I had some c**k on me -- unfasten, unbutton, unzip -- beads showering down on me. Best moment of my entire life -- cut short: handcuffed, thrown against the wall. My friend runs off, but manages to get a picture before he does. I don't know a lot about prison, but I do know, handcuffed, with your pants down, covered in beads, is not a good way to arrive.
I'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.
Jeff Foxworthy quotesThe thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'
Rodney Carrington quotesI don’t understand the whole concept of a massage. You get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on.
Chelsea Handler quotesWhy he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
