Funny quotes about rain

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That's a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That's a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!'

It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes... this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it's a level playing field. I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train.

One little boy turned to the kid next to him, and he said, 'I hate you.' And this kid was devastated. He started crying those only tears you can cry as a child. He was saying, 'I don't know why you hate me; I don't know what I have done to make you hate me.' And then softy, so quietly you had to strain to hear it, he said, 'Fuck.' And the first boy heard him and said, 'Hold On. Do you swear?' And he said yes, and they were friends again. Don't tell me swearing it wrong. I have seen it's healing properties.

It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.

When I was twelve, we went to Aberdeen. We went with a school. It was called fresh air fortnight. And it was a brilliant idea. The authorities of Glasgow took Glasgow school children to the countryside ostensibly into the clean air to make them rosy cheeked. To make them look like youth hostellers... Hello I'm a youth hosteller, I have the anorak and I look like an apple. And do you know what my philosophy is? A strangers just a friend I don't know yet. Hahaha... Fuck Off! Ohhh is that your attitude? So we went to Aberdeen and we lived in school rooms and in Dormitories with all those army beds and we masturbated our brains out for two weeks. That's where wanking got it's name, it's those army beds, that's the noise they make. Wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank. You can travel the world over... You'll never find a bed that goes Mmmasturbate.... Mmmmmmasturbate. So in Scotland we have beds that go Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! And dogs that go Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Very sexy country.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I have the brain of a German Shepard and the body of 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car and I want you to see them.