Funny quotes about police
Doug Benson quotesI hate how all the hip hop bands of today will put crazy sound effects into their songs. You know what I mean, like a police or ambulance siren in a tune? Because I could own the CD, I could listen to it 50 gamillion times in my car -- I still fall for it every time.
Russell Howard quotes'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'
Chelsea Handler quotesMy relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
Seann Walsh quotes
Tim Vine quotesThis policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
Charles 'Chic' Murray quotesThe police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
Sam Kinison quotesThe Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, “YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET, DO YOU?! YOU HAVEN'T SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET! MY HEAD'S STILL ON MY TORSO!! I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!!”
Steve Harvey quotesYou're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.
Yakov Smirnoff quotes(When asked by Johnny Carson what he liked most about living in the United States versus living in Russia.) "Warning shots. In the U.S. the police shoot in the air -- in Russia they shoot straight ahead, that's warning for the next guy."
Tommy Cooper quotesPolice arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Frank Carson quotesA traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."
Anthony Jeselnik quotesMy great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.
