Funny quotes about people

I was goin' to clown if I won that money. I had some phone calls to make. One phone I had to make was to that ugly-ass heifer that turned me down in high school. 'Hello, is this Aisha? You don't remember me, bitch, but I just won $250,000. Remember that time I asked you to go to dinner and you told me you was allergic to fat people? Well, bitch, how you feel now? 'Cuz I'm allergic to bitches. Click!'

This report found out that more British people died, proportionally, than American people on that boat because they discovered that, at that point in history, British people were more polite while Americans were, and I quote, more assertive. But don't feel guilty when you imagine your ancestors elbowing mine out of the way.

Next time there's a riot somewhere in the world, don't fire tear gas at people like they're animals, just release Mike Tyson from the back of a truck so he can walk amongst the crowd and watch people jump back and part like the Red Sea going, 'Holy s**t! This has gotten out of hand...'

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death

I'm like oysters; a few people claim they're a delicacy, but most people find the idea of putting one in their mouth disgusting.

America doesn't need libraries; you don’t need books here. There are plenty of books in the world, and plenty of people who've read them. It's not your area of expertise.... Stick to what you are truly great at -- TV.

I see that no one, yet, is filming this on their cell phones. I appreciate that because that has become the new scourge of stand-up: people sitting there saying, 'I want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me. Later would be better -- later and smaller.'

Every time I come back to New York, I feel like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner: 'I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.' I have been to the upper peninsula of Michigan. That is remote in the extreme. It's like Lord of the Flies up there, with significantly more beards.

It cannot be easy being a Muslim in America at the moment.... For instance, there are some people in America that cannot tell the difference between Muslims -- of which there are hundreds of millions -- and terrorists. Now, just think for a second about quite how offensive that is. That's like if the Muslim world could not differentiate between American people and professional baseball players.

Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.

Some people say Larry the Cable Guy’s only successful because he’s pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people’s racist and homophobic tendencies. Don’t listen to these people, Larry. They’re just bitter and jealous and right.

Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt. Do you know what's not natural? Eighty-year-old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural. But we got pills for that. We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?

The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.

There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?