Funny quotes about people

People watch TV on their laptops. I got the laptop, this has made me so lazy, this is ruining my life. I don't even turn off mine anymore. Do you? I just close mine. I can't be bothered with all that "Shutdown? Are you sure?" Questions, questions!

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

We had 1 book, the phone book, I’ve read it, it wasn’t a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish people turn up.

I love performing in front of all you wonderful people. But really, this isn’t all that. What I really want is my own show. But the BBC have very strict guidlines about ethnicity. Apparently I’ve got to wait for Lenny Henry to die.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Congratulations your 18!...On a list of 20 people i'm going to kill.

Scottish people aren't all that friendly are they I once saw an English guy in Glasgow trying to order a pint of lager and lime and the barman went: We don't do cocktails. They've got a good thing at Scottish football games where you're not allowed to bring food to the ground and they actually search you, when you're going in, to make sure you've not got food on you. It's nice to see we've got our fucking priorities right isn't it? What's this sir? A knife. I hope you weren't planning on making sandwiches. Now we've got a Scottish guy who's the number one British tennis player. I've not checked my Nostradamus but isn't that one of the harbingers of the apocalypse? The only time I've previously seen a Scottish guy playing tennis, it was someone playing charades attempting to mime the word homosexual.

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

They’ve bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they’ve put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don’t have to wake anybody up!

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory...He's a spastic.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?