Funny quotes about people
Jim Jefferies quotesHere’s the thing about people who believe in God: they’re fucking stupid.
Liz Taylor is dead. I dont know why people are shocked… I thought she died years ago.
Jeff Foxworthy quotesI've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.
Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.
That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not *worth* protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.
I have two daughters. I live next door to my brother, who has three daughters, so almost every day, I have to drive them to school. And last year, while I was driving them to school, we ran out of gas in the carpool lane because my wife does not realize it's actually legal for women to purchase gasoline, so... But we run out of gas and people are honking the horn and having to back up and go around and the kids are mortified. So the next morning, when I took them, I made sure that tank was as full as it could possibly be, and I pull up to the front of the school, and they have these assistant teachers that help open the door. And I'm not even trying to be funny. I roll down the passenger window and yell out, "I've got gas this morning!"
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
Bill Engvall quotesSo finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and . . . kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like "here we go!" Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like "what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?" I'm like, "hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book."
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
Garrison Keillor quotesThey say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them.
People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know?
Bernard Manning quotesI don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.
Bo Burnham quotesPeople ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, ‘Bo, you’re an artist… how do we fix Africa?’
Chelsea Handler quotesThere are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
