Funny quotes about people

God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it — I want legit sets.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

I tour the South, though, I do. I love touring the South. Some people up North are afraid of the South, it's weird. I'll do a show in, like, Alabama. I'll tell someone I did a show in Alabama and they'll be like, "Oh my God! What was that like?" Oh, you know, chairs, a microphone. Oh, I'm sorry, I know what you're looking for. I'll tell you what it was like. Well, I flew into Birmingham. The Imperial Wizard from the Klan picked me up at the airport. Rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of "jewboy go home." At the end of the night I go "Where's my check?" They go, "You're not gettin' a check. You're gettin' this bag of porkrinds." Is that the answer you were looking for, you narrow-minded fake-liberal fuck?

Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people’s things. And my cousin, who’s a ‘gangster’, he’s like, ‘No, Tash, you don’t understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.’ I’m like, ‘No one thinks you own Costco.’

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

I don’t like when people say ‘I’ll pray for you…’. You gon’ pray for me? So basically you’re gonna sit at home and do nothing? That what your prayers are, you doin’ nothing while I struggle with a situation, so don’t pray for me. Make me a sandwich or something. Because I’m very upset right now and I can’t make my own sandwiches, so that’d be cool if you made me a sandwich instead of prayin’

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

The people you would have overdose on drugs never would. Like Mötley Crüe would never fucking overdose, man, never. You could put them in a room with two tons of crack, they'd come out half an hour later, goin "ROCK ON MAN!"

Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.

I recently read an interview in Rolling Stone, where he advocated that people should not do drugs, KEITH RICHARDS said that we should not do drugs. Keith, we can't do anymore drugs, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY FUCKIN' DID THEM ALL! There's none left, we have to wait until you die so we can smoke you're ashes, alright!

Every time you hear about some famous guy overdosing on drugs, it's always some really talented guy. It's always like Len Bias, or Janis Joplin, or Jimi Hendrix, or John Belushi. You know what I mean? The people you wanna have overdose on drugs never would! Like Motley Crue would never fucking overdose man, never!

I'm gonna open up my own place. Open my own restaurant and get away from you people. I'm gonna open up a restaurant with two smoking sections; Ultra and Regular, OK! And we're not gonna have any tables or any chairs or any napkins. None of that pussy shit.