Funny quotes about parent
Adam Ferrara quotesMy fondest childhood memory is I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything: 'We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.' 'Why? I'm not paying you -- my parents are! Come here!'
The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents -- 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years -- what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'
We're all products of our parents: all your mother's traits are in the egg and all your father's traits are in the sperm. And if I know my parents, that sperm and egg had a fight.
Bill Hicks quotesOne of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.
Gabriel Iglesias quotesAnd he was offended at my show. Not by anything that I said, but because of the fact that now at the shows I started selling T-shirts and apparently, I didn't have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to five X on the T-shirts and he was like, [Exhausted voice] "You don't have my size." I was like, "Dude, I didn't know they made you! I have up to five X, I don't have [Groan] X!" A picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know?
Jim Carrey quotesMaybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
George Carlin quotesHonesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Jimmy Carr quotesI have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
Robin Williams quotesAnd some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
Lewis Black quotesI'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday. You're wearing a costume and people are giving you pennies and you're going, "Well, give me some candy, you fuck." And the grown-ups tell you, "Absolutely not. You've got your pennies. Now go build a village, you little shit." It still brings a tear to my eye.
I was on CNN in Atlanta at one o'clock in the afternoon because apparently everybody else was asleep, and they asked me what I thought of CNN and I said, "I liked CNN until you started that writing on the bottom." I don't know why it's there. Why do you put writing on a television set? We watch TV... BECAUSE WE DON'T WANNA READ! We want somebody to read the shit to us so we can close our eyes and touch our nuts!
Woody Allen quotesWhen I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Mike Birbiglia quotes...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.
I didn’t realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents… my dad told me “you’re good; you should be a computer programmer.” I said, “You’re bad… you should be a caveman”
