Funny quotes about old
Denis Leary quotesYou're 18 years old, you're in a 7-11, you don't know shit about shit and PULL UP YOUR PANTS!
Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."
Donald Glover quotesTo all my fans who’s saying Donald Glover about to blow, Just give me six months so you can say I told you so.
Ellen DeGeneres quotesI was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."
We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?
I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy. And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring.
Jeff Foxworthy quotesYou have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!
Bill Engvall quotesMy son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that . . . discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was . . . gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"
Rodney Carrington quotes[referring to his mother-in-law's maxi-pads which he claims are as thick as travel pillows.] I told her, "If you have this much flow, you don't need a pad, you need stitches."
Garrison Keillor quotesJokes are good for your health, they reduce stress, even ancient jokes like "She was only the stablemen's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her," even jokes as old as "Does this bus go to Duluth? No, this bus goes beep beep." Or the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw. They keep on pleasing us, year after year.
Bernard Manning quotesTwo old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach.
Chelsea Handler quotesI went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.
