Funny quotes about old
Groucho Marx quotes
George Lopez quotes
Doug Benson quotesI was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”
Marc Maron quotesHow complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana ice cream with caramel, fudge chunks, cheddar goldfish and pennies -- you've got to draw a line there.
It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'
Amy Schumer quotes[On Her Best Friend's Pregnancy] I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
I just went through a break up, actually. I'm not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I'm just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, 'Never put your face in them.'
There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her -- because the kid can tell.
I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.
Doug Stanhope quotesIf you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby -- go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.
"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion. You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north". No, it's because you got a silly, placebo religion cuz you don't want to admit that you don't fucking know.
I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
It's thirty days since the terrorist act. George Bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and to go back to what we used to do, so I've gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft-headed tit and a danger to all of us.
The problem with this country is that old fucks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.
