Funny quotes about night
Tim Vine quotesI'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Rhod Gilbert quotesIn the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That's a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That's a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off
Frankie Boyle quotesOn the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.
Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
There's going to be a Royal wedding! Ironically I don't get a day off for the wedding as I work part time as an Al-Qaeda sniper. If William's marriage is half as happy as his mum and dad's then Kate might as well cut her own brake cables now. William's dad of course had an affair with Camilla and his mum slept with Englishmen, Americans, and an Egyptian before finally being fucked by that Frenchman. Charles broke Diana's heart... Ten years before a steering column mashed what was left of it. Let's not forget that night. We all know where we were when Diana died. I for one was weaving around Paris in a white Fiat. You know we haven't had a royal assassination in ten years. Let's get rid of her, let's replace her with Martine McCutcheon, and so at last I can wank to the twenty pound note again. If the British Royal Family keep marrying outside the aristocracy, it won't be long before they'll hardly have any German blood left in them.
Jim Norton quotes
quotesI have nightmares about gay people. I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood, and find out Mr. T is a faggot. Really. And he'd be walking up to people going: [Mr. T voice] Hey boy, hey boy! Ya look mighty cute in them jeans. Now come on over here... and fuck me up the ass! C'mon. I'm gonna bend over now. Grrr! Aaahh! Hey, boy, slow down, you're gonna mess around and come too fast. You'll make me get mad and I'll clench up my butt cheeks and rip your dick off!
David Mitchell quotesIf I waited for you to teach Lee (Mack) to speak properly we’d be here all night.
Michael McIntyre quotesAnd traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!"
Lavell Crawford quotesThen she’s gonna tell me, “Well, who do you think about when you makin’ love to me?” She’s like, “I know, Halle Berry.” I said, “Nope!” She said, “Gabrielle Union?” “No.” She’s like, “Who then?” “Kim.” She’s like, “Who is Kim?” “The girl I seen at the club last night. Hell, I can’t get Halle Berry, but I can get Kim if you fuck up.
Greg Giraldo quotesWhen I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.
Sam Kinison quotesI like Jesus, I just felt sorry for his Disciples. Those guys had the roughest job in the world cause they could never call in sick. They could never go "Shhh shhh, yeah I know, I'll talk to him, it'll be alright..." [ring, ring... Jesus picks up] "[coughing...] Yeah listen Jesus. Yeah listen four or five of us went fishing last night and we forgot our sweaters. Yeah we're coming down with a cold or something. Yeah we're not going to be able to walk to Jerusalem with you today... What? What we're healed? But you're not here, ohh you don't have to be here you can say the word and we're healed? I didn't know that. Yeah every body is up. Yeah be good OK. We'll see you in about ten minutes alright. OK thank you, alright so long. Come on guy let go... we're healed."
Michael Blackson quotesLast night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the f**k is the ceiling.
Billy Connolly quotesIt's the woman's movement. Woman are demanding things. "Give me things! Do things to me! Do exotic things and plenty of them. Tonight, I think I'll have multiple orgasms". And I go fucking hell, what? What's that? "Go for it my boy! Plenty of orgasms, I'll tell you when to stop". No sooner had we found the clitoris that we were in search of the g-spot. I don't think you could find that with a wet suit and a divers helmet. I know gynaecologists that don't believe in it. You see it's difficult to be a man. I mean the mens movement in America is taking the country by storm. Right, people and all meeting, but you see films of the woman's movement... "We want this! And that. We demand a share in that, and most of that, some of this and fucking all of that. Less of that, more of this and fucking plenty of this. And another thing we want it now. I want it yesterday and I want fucking more tomorrow. And the demands will all be checked then so fucking stay awake."
Suicide Bombing there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang the worlds a wanker short. Fucking idiots! I want to see the instructor. "Right lads I'm only going to show you this once". Fucking pricks! And it depends on what newspaper you read how many virgins you get for blowing yourself up. How are you going to shag them when you're now flying mince? There's all different numbers there's 17 virgins there's 20 virgins there's 40 virgins but my favourite was 53. That was proof to me there's a committee involved some where. 53 fucking virgins . The very thought of 53 fucking virgins ... It's a nightmare! It's not a fucking present it's not a fucking prise! That's a punishment! Give me 2 fire breathing whores any day of the week.
