Funny quotes about mother
Doug Stanhope quotesWhy would you die for someone's sins? Your sins are the only thing interesting about you, you dreary, bleak motherfuckers.
Dov Davidoff quotesSomebody cut my bike seat. Think about that. What level of misery must you have experienced as a kid to see my 10-speed tied to a pole, pull out a blade and be like, 'Look at this rich mother f**ker right here.' You know, like I control the banks because I own a Huffy. I'm the bad guy; I'm the guy you want to get back at.
Daniel Tosh quotes"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
Natasha Leggero quotesI just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, ‘Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I’m home?’ And my mother said, ‘You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.’ And I said, ‘Yes, but you see, I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?’
Hannibal Buress quotesI live in New York where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but don’t try to have a conversation with me like you don’t have a handlebar mustache. Try to talk about regular stuff like music and politics? Nah dude if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos and that’s it. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes then you hop on your unicycle and juggle you carnival-faced motherfucker.
?I don’t think Al Sharpton will be president of anything, except for The Association of Greasy Mother Fuckers. Zing, Al Sharpton. Don’t fuck with me.
Denis Leary quotesMost people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission, and then all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can't move your right side. And then, maybe, you die.
Martin Lawrence quotesThere better not be a black person in here that says they don't know nobody in jail... 'cause that's bullshit. Ray-Ray, Earl, Craig, Shorty Tim, Lil' Reg, all them motherfuckers in jail... Shonda's little brother... all of 'em, in jail... chillin'.
Russell Howard quotesSo my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say – ‘Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You’ve all sucked on my tits.’
Ellen DeGeneres quotesMy grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
I'm a — I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her — the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection....
Jim Jefferies quotesI don’t care if you’re a brother, a sister a mother or a father: you’re nothing unless you’ve washed your disabled brother’s cock before taking him to a prostitute!
Jeff Foxworthy quotesChanging a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
Rodney Carrington quotesThey always say before you get married, take a good look at your wife's mother, because that's what she's going to look like and act like. And if that's the case, [singing] I'm fuuuuuuucked! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la I'm fucked.
