Funny quotes about mother

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

Dont give me that shit that weeds a drug. It aint no motherfuckin drug. Ive done the research. Its just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire there are some effects.

Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.

Gas is so mother'fuckin high. Hot Damn gas. Shit!! You are not supposed to be at the gas station making life decisions. You just at the pump, "Did I eat today?" "I can get no half a tank, I've got 3 cigarettes."

But this Mother fucker here Nigga, This shit right here nigga; This is a love seat Nigga! I can't even sit on this if I ain't in love Nigga! What Kind of shit is that!

And the last place you wanna be, In a motherfuckin' foot race, is behind the mothafucka with no goddamn foots.

Stop waiting on a nigga to verify wether you the shit or not. Bitch if you the shit, You the Motherfucking Shit!