Funny quotes about married
Denis Leary quotesMost people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.
Jeff Foxworthy quotesNow, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.
Rodney Carrington quotesI didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.
They always say before you get married, take a good look at your wife's mother, because that's what she's going to look like and act like. And if that's the case, [singing] I'm fuuuuuuucked! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la I'm fucked.
[talking about how the relationship changes after marriage] You know, you'll spend some time together, then you tell her, "You know, you're fun! I like you! You're fun! We have fun together! Let's get married!" So you get married, then after a little while fun starts packin' its shit! And you go, "Where ya' goin', fun?" And she goes, "Oh, nowhere. Just gettin' some stuff together." And then one day, Fun says "Fuck it!" and takes off! And you go, "Come back, Fun!" And she says, "Fuck you married guy!"
Aries Spears quotesI always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman -- I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic -- I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that sh*t for free.'
Jim Norton quotes
Charles 'Chic' Murray quotesShe had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
Sam Kinison quotesIf I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
Andy Rooney quotesMy wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Tommy Cooper quotesWell, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
Frank Carson quotesI've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
