Funny quotes about married

Adam Ferrara quotes

I don't think it's fair -- you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. 'Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.'

Adam Ferrara quotes

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you -- I hope she meets somebody nice.

Jim Carrey quotes

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams

Robin Williams quotes

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) ‘It’s the same sex all the time.

Maria Bamford quotes

I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.

Kristen Schaal quotes

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

Tim Allen quotes

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Rodney Dangerfield quotes

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Rita Rudner quotes

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner quotes

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Gilbert Gottfried quotes

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

Groucho Marx quotes

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

George Lopez quotes

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

Marc Maron quotes

I was married once before, and I stopped.

Ted Alexandro quotes

I have a lot of friends who are getting married. I try to avoid talking to them about their sex lives now 'cause it's so depressing. One guy told me it had been six months since he had gotten to second base with his wife. Yeah, I don't know which one was more pathetic: that he used the phrase 'second base' or that he hadn't been there in six months?