Funny quotes about life

I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.

You may be a redneck if...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and . . . kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like "here we go!" Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like "what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?" I'm like, "hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book."

Life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

I want to resume the life of a shy person.

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

[about the contents of a brochure from the American Heart Association regarding the resumption of sexual activity following a heart attack] Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God gave me a second lease on life and I'm not gonna press my luck and take it up the ass.

People watch TV on their laptops. I got the laptop, this has made me so lazy, this is ruining my life. I don't even turn off mine anymore. Do you? I just close mine. I can't be bothered with all that "Shutdown? Are you sure?" Questions, questions!

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realize that that’s maybe a bit long.

People say you learn from your mistakes. That’s b*ll*cks – we stumble through life making the same mistakes. We just get better at dealing with the fallout.

Why in our lifetimes was there a programme called Dogs with Jobs? They used to put it on at 11.30am! I resented a programme called Dogs with Jobs being put on when they knew unemployed people would be watching.

I just got reacquainted with my daddy after 30 years. He came back into my life after 30 years. Ain't that some sh*t? It's nice. You can laugh if you want to. It ain't like he was lost at sea or nothing.

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?