Funny quotes about kid
Russell Howard quotesThe last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
Adam Sandler quotesHaving a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.
Adam Carolla quotesI spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
Ellen DeGeneres quotesI was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?...Noooo...as funny as that is, I'm not
Jim Jefferies quotesNobody cares that youre smart and nobody cares that your kids dont have bruises.
Jeff Foxworthy quotesMy wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!
When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn."
I have two daughters. I live next door to my brother, who has three daughters, so almost every day, I have to drive them to school. And last year, while I was driving them to school, we ran out of gas in the carpool lane because my wife does not realize it's actually legal for women to purchase gasoline, so... But we run out of gas and people are honking the horn and having to back up and go around and the kids are mortified. So the next morning, when I took them, I made sure that tank was as full as it could possibly be, and I pull up to the front of the school, and they have these assistant teachers that help open the door. And I'm not even trying to be funny. I roll down the passenger window and yell out, "I've got gas this morning!"
Bill Engvall quotesI've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school."
Rodney Carrington quotesI didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.
Bernard Manning quotesI once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’
Bo Burnham quotes
