Funny quotes about kid

I have three kids, one of each.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids’ kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

First of all white people, please stop putting those lil blue leashes on your children, PLEASE STOP DOIN THAT! that is only entertainment for niggas. thats all that is! we be excited then a motha fucka 'just look at him look at hi-' that's why white kids grow up and kill everybody in the god damn school cuz you done treat him like a German Shepperd ever since they was three!

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things -- like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her -- because the kid can tell.

The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me -- this is awesome!'

I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.

Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie: if you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. Dont get any ideas....

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.

[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.