Funny quotes about kid

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

My first words were 'Seconds, please.' Most kids in kindergarten napped on a little rug. I had a braided 9 x 12.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.