Funny quotes about jesus

My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.

There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There’s the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that’s ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There’s the other one, you know, where you go "Ga…bt…jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga…ba…ah, actually that’s not that bad, that is. It’s quite nice."

And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.

Like most Catholic boys, I wanted to be Jesus Christ. I could never get the turn-the-other-cheek thing down, though.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

The best time to go to Vegas is during Christmastime, because nothing beats watching people gamble while they play Christmas carols. I'm Jewish, and I'm astonished. People going, "Goddammit!" "Jesus Christ!" "Holy FUCK!" "Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum, me and my drum."

Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?"

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

You get somebody to explain the Trinity to you, they'll say "Well God, he's God, and Jesus is God as well, and the Holy Spirit is...[mumbles indistinctly]". "What?" "He's the fecund spirit of the Lord who impregnates Mary, then gets a bit up himself and is reduced to light clerical duties?" Let's examine that in joke form: three male divine natures go into a cosmic essence, giving and receiving love, but not in a gay bishop way, to which the whole of Islam goes "Wha?"; Hinduism: "Nah!"; or Buddhism: "Ssh!".

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "Happy Birthday" on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote "Jesus" on it.

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time – it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.