Funny quotes about home
Rodney Dangerfield quotesA girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Bob Monkhouse quotesI came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
Groucho Marx quotesI could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
George Lopez quotes[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy] From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!
Kevin Hart quotesI just got punked by a homeless man, he asked me 4 some $ so I gave him $5..this bitch had the nerve 2 say "WTF am I suppose 2 do with this" I then said "Get sumthin 2 eat" he then said "I don't want 2 eat no fucking fast food shit, that shit will have me shitting on the streets"
Marc Maron quotesI just read an article in the paper the other day that, in an experiment, a medical experiment, they actually hooked up electrodes to the pleasure center of a lab monkey's brain and, at the flip of a switch, sent the monkey into perpetual orgasm. I've always been against animal testing, but where do I get the home game of this?
Amy Schumer quotesI made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'
Ted Alexandro quotesI always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty -- all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things.
Bo Burnham quotesIf I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.
Michael Ian Black quotesHere's how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.
