Funny quotes about guys
Ted Alexandro quotesSo, I used to be a music teacher. I used to teach K-5 music here in New York City. I taught the recorder. Are you guys familiar with Satan's little flute? If there's music in Hell, I assure you, it is played on a recorder.
Michael Ian Black quotesHere's how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.
Whitney Cummings quotesGuys who talk about their ex-girlfriend are like girls who talk about their farts.
Daniel Tosh quotesI saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.
Natasha Leggero quotesI just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, ‘Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I’m home?’ And my mother said, ‘You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.’ And I said, ‘Yes, but you see, I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?’
Denis Leary quotesIt became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever,
Adam Sandler quotesIt's just weird that out of nowhere God said, "May the three best-looking guys in Hollywood have babies - Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and me". It was bizarre that God said, "I want to make the planet more beautiful", and I got the call.
Adam Carolla quotesI'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.
Bill Engvall quotes[during a bit about dogs] That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
Rodney Carrington quotesWe need porno for guys like me. $2.99, I don’t need the whole $12.99. Hell, I never get to the second scene. It’s always better. “Oh shit! I should of waited. She’s got bigger titties. Shit! There’s twins!”
Chelsea Handler quotesI will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
Dat Phan quotesI love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.
My poor mom, she's like, 'That's my son, Dat Phan. He crack joke all the time. I tell him go to law school, become a lawyer. But no, he move up to Hollywood -- he live out of his car; he eat Top Ramen with all the gay guys.'
Alan Carr quotesWhen I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.
Greg Giraldo quotesWhy is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt. Do you know what's not natural? Eighty-year-old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural. But we got pills for that. We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?
