Funny quotes about guys
Adam Ferrara quotesMy father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam -- uh, don't kiss guys.'
Bill Hicks quotesI can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.
Dylan Moran quotesThat's why the have the programmes presented by 45 guys; "Hi I'm Ted, I'm Bob, I'm Ralph, I'm Dick, I'm Dale, I'm Nick, I'm Will", and they keep changing all the angles of the camera. "I'm over here, I'm at this desk, I'm standing here" and Wendy comes up from under the desk with the financial weather.
Jimmy Carr quotesThere was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
Louis C.K. quotesMost people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.
Woody Allen quotesI have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Mike Birbiglia quotesI read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"
Russell Peters quotesIndian people, we are proud of our cheapness. You are never gonna insult us by calling us cheap. Thats the best part, you know. You walk up to an Indian guy "You guys are cheap" .. "Thank you for noticing, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you" "That guy just called you cheap" "No, no, no. He pronounced it cheap. But what he was saying was - smart. Very smart he was".
The media put that in our heads too. They made us insecure about our penises too. You watch a porno nowadays, you see these guys with these giant hogs on them, fucking Chernobyl waste nuclear reactor dicks on them. You watch that and you go "*sad tone* oh my god, im never gonna have a dick like that" You are not SUPPOSED to have a dick like that. Animals should not have dicks like that.
Brian Regan quotes[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!
Dave Chappelle quotesI think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.
Bill Burr quotesWhat’s up with all these guys killing their wives now? Like, every couple of weeks in the news, you see that sh*t — guys killing their wives. I don’t understand it. First of all, why would you kill another person, and second of all, don’t they think the whole thing through? Like, how the whole thing’s gonna play out? Like, ‘I’m gonna kill my wife, then I’m gonna get caught, then I’m gonna go to jail, then I’m gonna get f**ked in the ass.’
Kristen Schaal quotesOh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?
