Funny quotes about god
Dennis Miller quotesNow, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
George Lopez quotes[Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!
Katt Williams quotesAnd the last place you wanna be, In a motherfuckin' foot race, is behind the mothafucka with no goddamn foots.
?As a nigga, we are not prepared to turn down a free god damn drink. We don't give a fuck what it is like 'this is unleaded!? that's spicy than a mothafucka, nigga I like that!
First of all white people, please stop putting those lil blue leashes on your children, PLEASE STOP DOIN THAT! that is only entertainment for niggas. thats all that is! we be excited then a motha fucka 'just look at him look at hi-' that's why white kids grow up and kill everybody in the god damn school cuz you done treat him like a German Shepperd ever since they was three!
Marc Maron quotesGod doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy -- they're reluctant prophets.
Amy Schumer quotesI'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'
Doug Stanhope quotesIf God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina.
I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry"
Bo Burnham quotesHumour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, "Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?" Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me!
Dov Davidoff quotesWhy's God always got such wacky sh*t to say? When's the last time you heard somebody say, 'God told me to get a muffin and a cup of tea and cool out, man.'
Zach Galifianakis quotesI want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."
Daniel Tosh quotesI hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.
